Looking back has enabled be to go forward but there comes a point where it is important to know when it’s time to just put the boat in gear and move forward. To do something completely out of character for me could be the biggest freeing thing ever. I wonder and brainstorm about the possibilities that seemed impossible before but don’t seem so far-fetched now. That’s mental freedom. I think I’m getting ready to take leaps!
I don’t think there’s a better word on the planet than “free”. That’s it. Freedom is such a word to relish and savor. So many seek to imprison people with words and judgments and beliefs and rigidity. Maybe they are afraid to allow freedom when they don’t feel it themselves.
To see someone else who is a free spirit can be very threatening to those people who cling to their old ways of thinking and believing about “truths” that don’t even apply to now and certainly not to every single person.
When I told Narayan, my “teacher” that I was a free spirit it made her angry. She didn’t want to hear my protest against what they were saying. It would have made her have to see her own lack of freedom. That’s when she spewed out, “It’s a certain path which leads to happiness and freedom!” What a childish response. I was feeling happy and free before I talked to her. These people were very ignorant and emotionally immature. That why they meditated so much. That’s why I meditated.
There is an emotional immaturity that can happen if all you do is observe the passage of feelings in meditation and life itself. There is something so important that is missing with meditation practice. Creative artists like me use feelings to guide their art and music. Feelings aren’t merely observed. They are expressed into a work of beauty and/or pain. I see where spirituality can truly get in someone’s way of being a human and some teachers are too blind to see it.
We are all humans from the day we were born till the day we die. There is no nobility to rising above what makes us who we are. That idea seems utterly crazy and total nonsense. It’s not right to assume we need or want to be programmed this way. We are not all Mr. Spock as much as we may envy him. There are so many so called spiritual people who are clueless and trying to herd a bunch of sheep into a trap of their ignorance.
So called “spiritual” Narayan detested my feelings. What does it say about her? What does her anger and defensiveness say about her? Certainly it isn’t compassion and the willingness to look at her stuff. She wanted to be in the seat of power. That’s how she saw herself and that’s how she behaved. It was very reckless of her to talk to me the way she did in her condescending and judgmental way. It was very toxic and there was a lot of rage in her judgment of my feelings.
How was I supposed to react to someone who had been on a pedestal for so long in my eyes and to someone who enjoyed and perpetuated the teacher/student pedestal image?