How do you unblock yourself when teachers, parents and most everyone has blocked you from your inner light and source? I have spent a lifetime on trying to reclaim what once was mine and what I was born with. I was not meant to be angry, hateful and resentful. I remember when I was full of love and creativity in my childhood. Those other qualities were tacked on as a result of abuse and my love and creativity went underground. I was so full of potential and gifts galore.
Fast forward to another time, another place where I was finding myself again at the Cambridge Insight Meditation Center. I was open, full of budding faith and determined to heal. The meditation brought me home again to me. It was powerful and transformative I went deep. I was deep. I was a beautiful, expressive and talented musician. I fell in love with this place and the teachers who provided this meditation haven where I could relax and be me.
Meditating helped me to center myself and it was good. I learned a lot and I needed to unlearn a lot too. I loved retreats and just sitting with myself and my breath. That was the good part and I need to remember the good because it was there. My heart was open, loving and my creativity was surging and soaring musically. The meditating fed my divinely, inspired music and I poured my heart and feelings into my own unique sound footprint on this planet. it was a wonderful time for me.
On my second 9 day retreat at IMS I tapped into my power intensely. My internal light was so bright and my energy was off the charts and I was pure experience, pure me and it was heaven on earth. It was the beginning of something and it connected me to my divinity. The light was very important to me. I felt/saw it so bright in my core and I could see it and feel it when my eyes were open, not hallucinating but the brightness made me be able to see it internally even when my eyes were open.
I knew the light was a part of me and an important part that would never leave. It was a budding faith and a connection to something deep, profound and greater than me, greater than the small me. I knew I could call upon this light and see it whenever I wanted to. It was almost blinding. I was on retreat in the country and I spent the rest of the retreat walking around the roads into fields and sitting on haystacks and feeling this energy surge through me. It was almost too much for my body to bear as it was combined with crying, but crying tears of joy, not pain.
The pain came later due to what happened with the teachers at the center after this experience that I openly shared with them who I trusted. I never wrote about tor defined what it meant to me. I wanted to explore it and see where this light led me. I think it is time to realize a defining experience when I have one. I worked, meditated long hours to get to this beautiful place inside and I wish I could say that no one could take it away from me but that’’s precisely what happened and that threw a roadblock in my way and into my personal internal world.
I guess I’m trying to reclaim my memory of this as I write because this was a turning point where I could now turn to the teachers and say, “Thank you for bringing me here but I must move on and forward on this path of light that I have found and explore it the way I was meant to. What does that look like to me? It takes great strength to turn away from a path and embrace my own spiritual direction which is what I need to do. I am reclaiming my faith, my way of meditaiting, my power, my light and that defining experience for me. That was the beginning of jumping ship with no life preserver and no one to turn to for direction but I can now.
I do believe in God, my inner light and love and the higher powers that be. That’s what it is about for me. Reclaiming my faith, my truth, my very being is what is important. I’d like to say no one can take it away from me and I’m free to discard anything or anyone that tries to block me. My music will continue on as I reclaim the spiritual side of it and become whole in the process.