There comes a point in my healing process where everything can exist at the same time: the past, the present, the future, discomfort, holding on, letting go, fear, love, strength and stability. When I feel one thing intensely the others seem to take a back seat as they witness the one that is at the forefront. As I get stronger and more stable the healthier part of me which has been a seed waiting for the right nourishment to grow is crescendoing into the happy hot seat and the other voices recede and fade.
The voices of fear, doubt, stuckness, the victimized role and the intense reactor are in the back seat now. I am the driver and have the power to choose between the new self and the old self that I have identified with for so long. I certainly can get “attached” to pain and the memory of pain when it is extreme and excruciating for long periods of time. I think a lot of humans do who have had trauma in their lives.
The important thing to know for me is that it does get better eventually if I just hold on for the ride. It can be a long long ride in a hell you would wish on nobody or it can be a short ride or somewhere in between. As the present becomes more bearable and there are many more days of living without torment it is possible to see that I am healing, certainly not in the timetable that I would have wished but in what appears to be my soul’s timetable. If I could have healed more quickly I would have, simple as that. I am now on the other side guided by the wind of my soul.
I compare this to music where there are loud sections and softer sections and the composer mirrors our internal emotions and the healing that is possible through expressing all of them. Who I am is who I choose to be at this point. When I am in the midst of a turbulent storm I have to ride it out and when I finally land on solid ground I can get out and walk in my own glory, celebrating and claiming the soul I have worked so hard to find and the beautiful self that has been there all along.
The more I can walk on my land, my ground and claim it the less my pain will be. Ultimately after seesawing back and forth for a while between pain, strength, pain, wholeness I can reach a point where I’m balanced and know I have come through the worst of it and of the freezing rain and hail. The pain decrescendos until just a whisper remains and there I am, a proud eagle basking in all my glory, flapping my wings and admiring how strong and steady they are and now I can fly to the theme of my heart and soul, free to be me at last in my experience of wholeness. This is the ultimate freedom for me and my path.