Wisdom Warrior

How do you unblock yourself when teachers, parents and most everyone has blocked you from your inner light and source? I have spent a lifetime on trying to reclaim what once was mine and what I was born with. I was not meant to be angry, hateful and resentful. I remember when I was full of love and creativity in my childhood. Those other qualities were tacked on as a result of abuse and my love and creativity went underground. I was so full of potential and gifts galore.

Fast forward to another time, another place where I was finding myself again at the Cambridge Insight Meditation Center. I was open, full of budding faith and determined to heal. The meditation brought me home again to me. It was powerful and transformative I went deep. I was deep. I was a beautiful, expressive and talented musician. I fell in love with this place and the teachers who provided this meditation haven where I could relax and be me.

Meditating helped me to center myself and it was good. I learned a lot and I needed to unlearn a lot too. I loved retreats and just sitting with myself and my breath. That was the good part and I need to remember the good because it was there. My heart was open, loving and my creativity was surging and soaring musically. The meditating fed my divinely, inspired music and I poured my heart and feelings into my own unique sound footprint on this planet. it was a wonderful time for me.

On my second 9 day retreat at IMS I tapped into my power intensely. My internal light was so bright and my energy was off the charts and I was pure experience, pure me and it was heaven on earth. It was the beginning of something and it connected me to my divinity. The light was very important to me. I felt/saw it so bright in my core and I could see it and feel it when my eyes were open, not hallucinating but the brightness made me be able to see it internally even when my eyes were open.

I knew the light was a part of me and an important part that would never leave. It was a budding faith and a connection to something deep, profound and greater than me, greater than the small me. I knew I could call upon this light and see it whenever I wanted to. It was almost blinding. I was on retreat in the country and I spent the rest of the retreat walking around the roads into fields and sitting on haystacks and feeling this energy surge through me. It was almost too much for my body to bear as it was combined with crying, but crying tears of joy, not pain.

The pain came later due to what happened with the teachers at the center after this experience that I openly shared with them who I trusted. I never wrote about tor defined what it meant to me. I wanted to explore it and see where this light led me. I think it is time to realize a defining experience when I have one. I worked, meditated long hours to get to this beautiful place inside and I wish I could say that no one could take it away from me but that’’s precisely what happened and that threw a roadblock in my way and into my personal internal world.

I guess I’m trying to reclaim my memory of this as I write because this was a turning point where I could now turn to the teachers and say, “Thank you for bringing me here but I must move on and forward on this path of light that I have found and explore it the way I was meant to. What does that look like to me? It takes great strength to turn away from a path and embrace my own spiritual direction which is what I need to do. I am reclaiming my faith, my way of meditaiting, my power, my light and that defining experience for me. That was the beginning of jumping ship with no life preserver and no one to turn to for direction but I can now.

I do believe in God, my inner light and love and the higher powers that be. That’s what it is about for me. Reclaiming my faith, my truth, my very being is what is important. I’d like to say no one can take it away from me and I’m free to discard anything or anyone that tries to block me. My music will continue on as I reclaim the spiritual side of it and become whole in the process.

Spiritual Freedom

Wisdom Warrior
Looking back has enabled be to go forward but there comes a point where it is important to know when it’s time to just put the boat in gear and move forward. To do something completely out of character for me could be the biggest freeing thing ever. I wonder and brainstorm about the possibilities that seemed impossible before but don’t seem so far-fetched now. That’s mental freedom. I think I’m getting ready to take leaps!

I don’t think there’s a better word on the planet than “free”. That’s it. Freedom is such a word to relish and savor. So many seek to imprison people with words and judgments and beliefs and rigidity. Maybe they are afraid to allow freedom when they don’t feel it themselves.
To see someone else who is a free spirit can be very threatening to those people who cling to their old ways of thinking and believing about “truths” that don’t even apply to now and certainly not to every single person.

When I told Narayan, my “teacher” that I was a free spirit it made her angry. She didn’t want to hear my protest against what they were saying. It would have made her have to see her own lack of freedom. That’s when she spewed out, “It’s a certain path which leads to happiness and freedom!” What a childish response. I was feeling happy and free before I talked to her. These people were very ignorant and emotionally immature. That why they meditated so much. That’s why I meditated.

There is an emotional immaturity that can happen if all you do is observe the passage of feelings in meditation and life itself. There is something so important that is missing with meditation practice. Creative artists like me use feelings to guide their art and music. Feelings aren’t merely observed. They are expressed into a work of beauty and/or pain. I see where spirituality can truly get in someone’s way of being a human and some teachers are too blind to see it.

We are all humans from the day we were born till the day we die. There is no nobility to rising above what makes us who we are. That idea seems utterly crazy and total nonsense. It’s not right to assume we need or want to be programmed this way. We are not all Mr. Spock as much as we may envy him. There are so many so called spiritual people who are clueless and trying to herd a bunch of sheep into a trap of their ignorance.

So called “spiritual” Narayan detested my feelings. What does it say about her? What does her anger and defensiveness say about her? Certainly it isn’t compassion and the willingness to look at her stuff. She wanted to be in the seat of power. That’s how she saw herself and that’s how she behaved. It was very reckless of her to talk to me the way she did in her condescending and judgmental way. It was very toxic and there was a lot of rage in her judgment of my feelings.


How was I supposed to react to someone who had been on a pedestal for so long in my eyes and to someone who enjoyed and perpetuated the teacher/student pedestal image?

Moving from Hell to Healing

Wisdom Warrior

There comes a point in my healing process where everything can exist at the same time: the past, the present, the future, discomfort, holding on, letting go, fear, love, strength and stability. When I feel one thing intensely the others seem to take a back seat as they witness the one that is at the forefront. As I get stronger and more stable the healthier part of me which has been a seed waiting for the right nourishment to grow is crescendoing into the happy hot seat and the other voices recede and fade.

The voices of fear, doubt, stuckness, the victimized role and the intense reactor are in the back seat now. I am the driver and have the power to choose between the new self and the old self that I have identified with for so long. I certainly can get “attached” to pain and the memory of pain when it is extreme and excruciating for long periods of time. I think a lot of humans do who have had trauma in their lives.

The important thing to know for me is that it does get better eventually if I just hold on for the ride. It can be a long long ride in a hell you would wish on nobody or it can be a short ride or somewhere in between. As the present becomes more bearable and there are many more days of living without torment it is possible to see that I am healing, certainly not in the timetable that I would have wished but in what appears to be my soul’s timetable. If I could have healed more quickly I would have, simple as that. I am now on the other side guided by the wind of my soul.

I compare this to music where there are loud sections and softer sections and the composer mirrors our internal emotions and the healing that is possible through expressing all of them. Who I am is who I choose to be at this point. When I am in the midst of a turbulent storm I have to ride it out and when I finally land on solid ground I can get out and walk in my own glory, celebrating and claiming the soul I have worked so hard to find and the beautiful self that has been there all along.

The more I can walk on my land, my ground and claim it the less my pain will be. Ultimately after seesawing back and forth for a while between pain, strength, pain, wholeness I can reach a point where I’m balanced and know I have come through the worst of it and of the freezing rain and hail. The pain decrescendos until just a whisper remains and there I am, a proud eagle basking in all my glory, flapping my wings and admiring how strong and steady they are and now I can fly to the theme of my heart and soul, free to be me at last in my experience of wholeness. This is the ultimate freedom for me and my path.

The Fallout after Leaving the Cult

                                                                       Wisdom Warrior

I gave everything I had to this center. I gave my heart, my love, my spirit, my devotion, my time, my energy and my power. I put my whole being into trusting this place and the teachers and everything that came out of their mouths.

When I left, I lost my faith, my center, my love, my teachers, my friends at the center, my practice and serenity I had gained. I had no one left. I have heard it said that when you leave a cultish group it is like 4 or 5 divorces occurring simultaneously. I can honestly say that is true from my experience.

Everything in me was tied to this group. I believed in all their jargon until I couldn’t anymore. I left feeling shamed, betrayed, wrong and no one was around who understood me or could help me. It was a hopeless situation for me. I had cut off from my family as well because my therapist at the time had suggested it. I was alone. My friends outside the group disappeared and my musical groups fell apart and I descended into a quagmire of muddy despair and hopelessness as my sleep deprived nights piled up one after another.

I couldn’t go back and I couldn’t go forward. It was just shock and anger and sobbing and an inability to function anymore.I had no idea what I was dealing with. It was a death but the teachers were still alive and the center went on without me.

When you give so much to a place it also takes something from you although you don’t realize it at the time. I lost my perspective and there was no one to help me to get it back. Everything coming in from the outside triggered me. The disillusionment with the “church” of Buddhism and the teachers led me straight to re-experiencing the trauma from my childhood in the present. There was no me then and no me in the present. I was so fragile that if anyone even spoke and had an opinion I was triggered deeply.

I felt spiritually raped and my faith was invaded so to speak so I had nothing to sustain me during this tumultuous time. My people pleasing survival skills from childhood led me straight to the this center and I think I stayed as long as I did because I was trying to please them. I was competitive and wanted to be the teachers pet and the best yogi there. That was my stuff.