I gave everything I had to this center. I gave my heart, my love, my spirit, my devotion, my time, my energy and my power. I put my whole being into trusting this place and the teachers and everything that came out of their mouths.
When I left, I lost my faith, my center, my love, my teachers, my friends at the center, my practice and serenity I had gained. I had no one left. I have heard it said that when you leave a cultish group it is like 4 or 5 divorces occurring simultaneously. I can honestly say that is true from my experience.
Everything in me was tied to this group. I believed in all their jargon until I couldn’t anymore. I left feeling shamed, betrayed, wrong and no one was around who understood me or could help me. It was a hopeless situation for me. I had cut off from my family as well because my therapist at the time had suggested it. I was alone. My friends outside the group disappeared and my musical groups fell apart and I descended into a quagmire of muddy despair and hopelessness as my sleep deprived nights piled up one after another.
I couldn’t go back and I couldn’t go forward. It was just shock and anger and sobbing and an inability to function anymore.I had no idea what I was dealing with. It was a death but the teachers were still alive and the center went on without me.
When you give so much to a place it also takes something from you although you don’t realize it at the time. I lost my perspective and there was no one to help me to get it back. Everything coming in from the outside triggered me. The disillusionment with the “church” of Buddhism and the teachers led me straight to re-experiencing the trauma from my childhood in the present. There was no me then and no me in the present. I was so fragile that if anyone even spoke and had an opinion I was triggered deeply.
I felt spiritually raped and my faith was invaded so to speak so I had nothing to sustain me during this tumultuous time. My people pleasing survival skills from childhood led me straight to the this center and I think I stayed as long as I did because I was trying to please them. I was competitive and wanted to be the teachers pet and the best yogi there. That was my stuff.